It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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