nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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