While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
