I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
