When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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