Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
