it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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