the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
