In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
