just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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