Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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