i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
