Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
