im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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