Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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