If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
