I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
