mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
