I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
