if i can run in heels then i can drive
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
