I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Moan for me like Helen Keller
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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