I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize