Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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