2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
