got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
