Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
