I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
