does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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