I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
