i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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