I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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