I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
apparently the secret to your success is patron
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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