Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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