there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize