From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
