She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
