Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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