____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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