Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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