I could make wine with my vomit
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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