I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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