Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
