You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize