Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
