I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I have post one night stand depression
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
