I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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