I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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