If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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