This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
