hotel room ftw
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
