i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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