Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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