whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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