thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
