I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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