I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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