Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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