I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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