i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize