Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
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