I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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