K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
