We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
