An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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