Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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