We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize